You are in the room.
Not just any room. The room you worked over a decade to earn a seat in. Someone asks for your recommendation. You know the answer. You have known it longer than anyone else at that table.
But instead of stating it clearly, you hesitate.
You second-guess yourself. soften your words and say something vague and wait to see how the room responds. The moment passes. Someone else speaks up. The room nods. Everyone moves on.
Everyone except you.
Because you know exactly what just happened. You just talked yourself out of your own authority. Again.
If that scenario felt uncomfortably familiar, this episode of Lunch with Leaders was made for you.
The Pattern Has a Name
In this solo episode, Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya does not ease into the topic. She names it directly.
The pattern is called social conditioning. And for senior women in STEM, it is one of the most overlooked barriers to career advancement at the highest levels.
Social conditioning is not a character flaw. It is not a confidence issue that a weekend workshop will fix. It is a deeply ingrained set of behaviours that were taught to you, reinforced in you, and rewarded in you from a very young age.
From childhood, women receive a consistent set of instructions. Be likable. Smile more. Do not be too certain. Never make anyone uncomfortable. These lessons come from home, from school, and from every environment that shaped who you became.
Then you entered the workplace. Specifically, a workplace in STEM. Possibly one where you were the only woman in the room. Possibly the only African woman. And those early lessons did not disappear. They evolved into survival strategies.
Additionally, you learned to over-explain so people would not dismiss you. Also, you learned to apologize before stating an opinion so you would not seem aggressive and polled the room for consensus before sharing your recommendation. You softened your language to stay safe.
And it worked. It got you through the door. It helped you survive environments that were not always designed with you in mind.
But here is the part nobody tells you.
What Got You In the Room Is Now Holding You Back
“What got you into the room and helped you survive is now the very thing that is stopping you from getting to your next level. And no one is going to flag it for you, except me.” — Adaeze Iloeje-Udeogalanya
The strategies that kept you safe in earlier stages of your career are now working against you.
At senior and executive levels, the rules change. The people in those rooms do not hedge. They do not apologize before speaking. Instead, they state their recommendation, let it land and sit with the silence.
Social conditioning was never designed for that environment. Trying to lead at that level while still operating by the old rules creates a gap between the expertise you carry and the authority you project.
That gap is what costs you.
“You’re not unprepared, you’re not unqualified, that’s not it. But you’ve been conditioned for years to pause, to question, and ultimately to say nothing.”
The Habits That Show Up in the Room
Adaeze is specific about what social conditioning looks like in practice at the senior level. These are not dramatic moments of self-sabotage. They are small, quiet patterns that add up over time.
Watch for these in yourself:
- Over-explaining — adding more justification than the situation needs, as though your recommendation has to earn its right to exist before the room accepts it
- Apologising before speaking — opening with “I might be wrong but…” or “This is just my opinion…” before you have even said the thing
- Polling for consensus — checking the room before you commit to a position, waiting to see which way the wind blows before you plant your flag
- Softening language — replacing “I recommend” with “maybe we could consider” and “this will not work” with “I wonder if there might be some challenges”
- Filling the silence — stating your point and then immediately talking past it because the pause feels dangerous
Each of these habits seems harmless on its own. Collectively, they signal something the room picks up on immediately. They signal uncertainty. And at the senior level, uncertainty is expensive.
“Every time you hold back, you’re undermining your own authority to make others more comfortable and it’s costing you.”
This episode is eleven minutes long. It is direct, personal, and the kind of conversation you will want to return to more than once.
Listen to the full episode of Lunch with Leaders here.
You Have Already Earned the Right to Speak
Here is what Adaeze wants every senior woman in STEM to hear clearly.
Also, you are not in that room by accident. You did not stumble into that seat. Infact, you earned it through years of expertise, hard work, and navigating environments that required you to be twice as prepared just to be taken seriously.
Your qualification is not in question.
What is in question is whether you are letting conditioned habits override the authority you have already earned. Whether you are shrinking in rooms that need you to take up space. Whether you are making yourself smaller to manage other people’s comfort at the direct expense of your own advancement.
“At this level, the rules are different. Social conditioning in executive spaces is not quite correct.”
The behaviours that protected you in earlier stages of your career now need to be unlearned. Not because they were wrong for the context they served, but because you have outgrown that context. The room you are in now requires something different from you.
It requires you to own your authority fully.
This Is Also a Structural Issue
It is important to name something here. Social conditioning does not happen in a vacuum.
Women, and particularly women of colour, do not internalise these behaviours randomly. They develop them in response to real environments that penalise directness, reward agreeableness, and make it costly to be seen as too assertive.
Research from Harvard Business Review consistently shows that women who display confident, direct communication styles are often rated as less likable than men who display the exact same behaviours. The double bind is real. And African women in STEM navigate an additional layer of this, operating in spaces where both gender and race shape how their authority gets perceived.
Knowing this does not make the conditioning disappear. But it means the work of unlearning it is not about fixing yourself. It is about reclaiming something that was never supposed to be taken from you in the first place.
This is also why the conversations happening in this podcast go beyond individual advice. In the episode with Charis Loveland, Navigating Career Transitions and Building AI Influence in STEM, the conversation touches on how emotional intelligence becomes the foundation for leading with genuine authority, especially in environments that were not built for you.
Stop Navigating This Alone
The African Women in STEM community is built for exactly this kind of work. Real conversations, honest support, and women who understand the layers you are carrying. Join the membership here and build alongside women who are doing this work too.
The Practical Shift Adaeze Asks You to Make
Adaeze does not end this episode with theory. She ends it with a direct instruction.
This week, in your next meeting, say the thing.
State the recommendation. Use clear, direct language. Then pause. In fact, you do not explain it to death or scan faces for approval. Do not rush to fill the silence with softening language.
Say it. Let it land. Trust that it is enough.
“Say the thing. That’s it. Say it. Own it. Don’t overthink it or hold back. Don’t apologise for it.”
That is the starting point. Not a complete personality overhaul. Not a six-week programme. One meeting. One moment. One deliberate choice to stop managing other people’s comfort at the expense of your own authority.
Do it again the next week. And the week after that.
The conditioning was built over years. Unbuilding it happens the same way, one room at a time.
This also connects to a pattern Adaeze addresses directly in the episode Stop Proving, Start Leading. If you are still in a cycle of working harder to prove your worth instead of stepping into the authority you already hold, that episode picks up exactly where this one leaves off.
Note that, senior women in STEM do not lack capability. They lack the permission they were never supposed to need in the first place. This episode gives it back.
Listen to Own Your Authority on Lunch with Leaders now.
The Room Is Waiting for You to Lead
Be very aware that you have done the hard work to get to where you are. You have the expertise and the experience. You have the insight the room needs.
Now it is time to stop whispering it.
The women who move from senior contributor to recognised leader are not always the most technically brilliant in the room. They are the ones who own their authority out loud. Who state their recommendations without apology. Who lead with the confidence that their seat at the table was earned and deserved.
That woman is already in you. She has just been conditioned into silence.
It is time to bring her back.
Start with this episode. Listen to Adaeze speak directly to the part of you that already knows this is true. Own Your Authority — listen now on Lunch with Leaders.
